Where have I been

(Slight TW, mention of Covid and Mental Health Issues)

I want to show you guys a post that I drafted in November which pretty much outlines how I feel right now, with a few exceptions. I’m on anti depressants now, I have a great circle of friends and I have finally settled into my new flat and university. My second semester just started and I’m buzzing to finally be on campus again and meet all my mates again. I have been struggling a lot over the winter (seasonal affective disorder, am I right?), but as you probably noticed with me being more active on Instagram again, I’ve been feeling a lot happier and most importantly way more stable.

I don’t know exactly what my plans for my blog are, I don’t think I can do my old rhythm, but I’m going to give it my best πŸ™‚

Now, be warned, this text is a few months old, but I just found it and thought I should share it with you.
I hope you’re having a good time and if you’re not, I hope you have a system surrounding you and helping you through.

I didn’t think, I’d have to write a post like this on this blog, like ever.
When I first started this blog waaay back, it was nothing serious, just for fun. I took many breaks, lost focus and didn’t really feel connected to it. So when I reactivated it and moved it to a new site (with it’s own name) I was buzzing with excitement to properly run it and pour all my creative energy into it.
Not once did I think that I’d lose that excitement again.
But sadly, that’s what happened.
If you follow me on Instagram you’ll know that I’ve been taking things a lot slower, only posting when I really feel like it and rarely properly interacting with my account. I have no idea when exactly the moment came where posting about books went from a fun hobby to a stressful obligation, but for some reason it did.

I want to blame it on all the stress I have with uni, or all the stress I had with my big move in the summer, or all the stress I have with getting to know new people and all the stress my dating life causes me right now, or all the stress that comes from still living in a world with a pandemic and not being able to do what I want.
But I don’t want to blame it on all these other things without also acknowledging that I’ve been really struggling mentally. Again. I’m having a bit of a bad time right now (don’t worry, I’m in the process of getting myself a therapist) and maybe it just didn’t feel right and honest to me to happily post on Instagram like nothing’s changed. Or maybe it just exhausted me to keep up with social media in general, I don’t know.

To be honest, I don’t read right now.
The bit of free time I have I spend on the sofa, curled up in a blanket, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I might have a burst of energy every now and then and will paint some painting for my living room or cross stitch something, but most nights I go to bed at 9.30 or I work until 1am. There is really no in between. I’m going to continue to try and find a good balance for myself, because I want to get back to all the fun on Instagram and I want to get back to reading fun books and not just assigned reading, but I can’t promise you anything. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get back on my feet, I don’t know how I will structure my life once I do, but I can promise you that I will try and I will keep you all in the loop

I don’t know if this rant makes any sense or if this is at all helpful in explaining why I’ve been absent from my blog and won’t take part in Nanowrimo, but sometimes my blog still feels like a diary to me and for some reason it feels right to just go on tangents about my life.

There we go, a little insight into my November mind πŸ™‚
As I’ve said, I’m gonna try and see if I can get some sort of schedule working, but for now I’m just gonna post what I feel like and I hope you guys enjoy it. I will write my Books I read in… post, but I’m not sure if I’m gonna do all or just the March one. Let me know.

Lots of love as always
Lena

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